Hear It’s Tap

trust

As I looked to the sky today the clouds seemed to carry depths I do not know

A storm quietly warming a familiar heart ache that arrives from a distant shore

Quiet yourself

Do you hear its tap

Can you feel its pull

Weighted complexity seemed to be grieving in the skies

Equal as they dance and fight

The harsh poetic beauty of the struggles between the darkness and the light

I sat by the river under that sky breathing in the clouds and all that she spoke

In my silence unpredictable currents thrashed me about, swallowing me whole

Today

It was as if the sky was trying to tell me something

All those clouds that seemed to carry depths I do not know

My heart so very grateful of the river today

Reminding me to trust her flow

~Alisa Hutton

My Shadow

copper

Day after day it came

I grieved

I asked for it to stop

I prayed, no begged, please

Day after day it came

I grieved

I asked if not for it to stop then just a break

I prayed, no begged, please

I grieved

One tired day

I could not pray, I could not beg

I sat in my shadow, just me in my darkness

With my grief that wouldn’t go away

Without notice

Without command

Without direction

Grief gently floated away

My whole heart, the only thing that came to visit me today

~Alisa Hutton

Empty

empty

There is a misconception that the deepest sadness we will feel in life

Is having to part ways and say goodbye

The loss of a knowing fill, the comfort of another and their warmth in our space

It is a fallacy and the matter at hand is larger you will see, possibly the very thing that will set you free

There comes a time when we see and feel, the most difficult reality to honor and embrace

Well beyond the drain and loss of any goodbye

Is the slow death of watching your spirit diminish and die

Life’s biggest challenge in what feels like human natures longest lesson

We feed our sadness in wish and hope and struggling to let go

But the only thing that matters in our wake and flow…..

It is only ourselves that we must trust and know

~Alisa Hutton

Nothing More

Nothing More

There is no practicality

I laid beside a stranger who was wheezing her last breath

Two things were not as we expected

My life

Her death

Side by side and equally alone

Curiously, our shared space perhaps was meant to be

I spoke with a woman who had but a few weeks to live

It was not planned or marked on her calendar

Curiously, she spoke with a calm confidence that this was her given time

She said honey trust me you just know

A man now bed ridden, his strength slipping away and out of his control

His strapping youth and forever quick mind he seemingly left at home

He hadn’t packed his favorite things for his stay at the hospital as he never planned to go

Curiously, when I told him I would see him soon he smiled with a simple knowing

No my dear, this is it for me and after this visit you probably won’t

I watched a little boy as color drained from his face, knocking loudly on heaven’s door

This isn’t how I see him, he plays and laughs, giggles and smiles

Get your hands off his little body, this, what is happening

None of it is what I ordered

Please, whoever you are that reaps in your dark and sudden ways

Take me and do what you will and let that little boy go

Through a tiny window

In a moment of life

I saw raw human souls

Horrific things, death and sickness that have forever shaken me to my core

I didn’t know what to do, I dropped to my knees

I held the hands of those entering deaths door

My heart was soothed, my eyes opened and my human fabric will forever know

This life

Our hearts

Those things that our egos think matter and we should know

Nonsense

There is no practicality

I sat on the fence of life and death watching souls come and go

There is only one thing you need to have as you walk through life on your way to deaths door

Love

Simply that, nothing less and nothing more

~Alisa Hutton

Ms. J. Doe

Jane Doe

Today I looked in the eyes of a woman I did not know

Laying quietly across from one another in a hospital corridor

Twice my age, quietly breathing the end of her story

I looked in her eyes and they seemed to mirror my own

I saw fear, sadness and loneliness in my reflection

Hers, the same deep brown as mine and tilted in similar bend

Yet, they were somewhere else

A place I didn’t know, a place that made me uncomfortable

As we laid quietly in our separate but shared space, I thought is this what it is all about?

Do we eventually end up in a corridor alone?

No comfort of love, no familiarity of a life known or lived?

No hand holding ours, no last I love you?

Does our story end with a stranger in a hall, the only comfort our own?

I couldn’t help but feel my life had been deeply scratched for a reason unknown

Something of this was meant to echo

Was it meant to reverberate a space?

Is it meant for me to open or close?

I really don’t know

I hope she could feel that I saw her life beside me and I felt her soul

I have to believe in the end

It is about something more

Than being alone in a corridor

­~Alisa Hutton

One Day Away

one day

One day away

One day away from uttering goodbye friend, how are you left at a quiet table for one

One day away from holding love, flickering lights of indecision eventually turn off to certain end

One day away from a last smile, patience and finality can’t share a bed

One day away from hearing a laugh once more, enjoy it while you can its heart beat can’t allow any more

One day away from locking on excitable eyes, once they close they aren’t yours to see

One day away from feeling that way you always do, only your grieving left to keep you warm

One day away from a long safe hug, breathe it in, lingering scent will be the only thing you can bring home

If only people knew

Option and choice walk a very different path

Moments come once

Love is not often

If only  people knew

Loss is always

Just

One day away

~Alisa Hutton

Perhaps

perhaps

How do you say goodbye to love, effectively let it go?

Perhaps you don’t

Perhaps you aren’t supposed to

Maybe that is why love is so special

Maybe once you have felt love it lives inside of you until the end of time

Could it be we aren’t supposed to fear love

Could it be we aren’t supposed to grieve love

In my simplistic heart and untethered mind

Love seems to be something special

I curiously wonder

What would happen

If when we found it

We just said I love you

If when we found it

We simply felt

Trusting that no matter what path the love takes

Love will always exist

Love will just be

Forever more

~Alisa Hutton