I Am

Girl

I was not born to be polite and adapt my being to meet your level of conformity

I was not born to grow my hair, paint my face and shape my body to fit your ideals of beauty

I was not born to speak in a quiet, regulated tone and only utter careful words to fit the walls of your voice

I was not born to gingerly harness my thoughts and curiosity to dance to the structure of your ideas alone

I was not born to walk cautiously or run in fear because your legs are more important than mine

 

I was born kind, strong, fragile and authentic and of so much more

I have no walls or box to fit in to

I fly high above without barriers and on my own

I was born beautiful, look in my eyes and drink my smile if it is me you truly want to know

Age, society and magazine covers define nothing and frame antiquated ideas of long ago

I was born with raging intellect and a thirst to feel, learn and grow

I do not hold hands with those who can see nothing more

You are not welcome to come for dinner, my table is set for those of substance

My food is for us alone

I was born to dance, run and move my soul as it is free

I have no need to puppet myself because I am standing on your perceived floor

 

I am me

I am a woman

Don’t let your preconceived notions of that hit your ass on the way out the door

 

~Alisa Hutton

 

Dear Woman

dear woman

Dear woman,

It has been too long and we need to talk. I know you felt like things were a big mess and it was your fault but you know what, it is OK. I know you felt like your world was falling apart. I guess in a lot of ways it did fall apart but maybe it was actually falling together? I know you wanted to shrink away and hide from it all. You felt ashamed, sad and lost. You went to that place that none of us ever talk about. That place that is scary to admit. You felt like you wanted to die, just close your eyes and have it be over. I know what it is like to feel so much darkness and hurt that you lose the light, your faith and hope. It is OK you don’t have to say it out loud, not right now. I know how scared and sad you were, I saw it in your eyes. I want you to know you are not horrible or bad for feeling this, I have felt it too. We both feel, we were built to.

Woman, you have lived a long time and you have experienced a lot of life. You were raised in a world that taught you to be tough, focused and polite and to keep pushing through it all. I want you to know that when I look at you and you are feeling broken the only thing I see is beautiful and real. Your incredible heart and mind are what I see. When I say you are beautiful it has absolutely nothing to do with your exterior. I want you to know that I understand things are hard sometimes and sometimes we fall apart at the seams. I watched it all build up in you as you took on more and more. I listened as people commended you on your strength with the increasing burdens of your life. I looked at the spirit drain out of your face and your loud unspoken words that said, I don’t know that I can do this any longer. I watched as you put a smile on your face and said to people around you I am fine thanks. Even when you wanted to collapse and cry and beg for help.

I am sorry I stood back knowing, seeing and feeling this. I am sorry I was polite and didn’t hold your hand and show you I love you. I see now you needed my love. You didn’t need advice or judgement or anything else, you just needed love. I know when it all felt broken, when you felt broken, it changed your life. I know you came undone and you felt embarrassed. As your friend and someone who loves you I think the universe gave you a gift. I think your seams coming undone was the beginning of the world about to see who you really are. I think you were meant to break that outer coating so the real you could emerge. I want you to know, I see you now. You are magnificent. I am your friend, I will love you fiercely and without apology from this day forward. We are going to talk, share and feel openly and honestly. We are going to do this together because I see you and I love you.  Dear woman, I don’t ever want you to forget who you are, I never will.

Your friend,

Woman

~ Written by Alisa Hutton

Wonderland

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I I sometimes wonder if I read Alice in Wonderland too many times as a child. Perhaps too many rainy days spent outside as a 6 year old? In the quiet looking at the water rushing down the street creating great stories of wild, river adventures in my mind. While all the other kids were playing kick the can in the August heat there I was laying on my back in the grass forming animal shapes in the clouds. Watching neighborhood kids build tree forts while I sat on the cement contently drawing my pictures on scrap pieces of paper with my broken crayons.

Always observing, quietly watching. Not understanding it all but unbendingly curious. When life became noisy, felt unfair or hard I would make my own wonderland. Diving in to my vivid imagination full of color and magic. With a delayed blink I could transport myself to a wonderful place where the flowers grew better, the grass softer and greener, and the sky always bright blue with fluffy white clouds. Rainbows around every corner. Everyone smiled and was full of love in my wonderland. Hearts were so big and full you just had to stop and say hello to them.

With a delayed blink I can still transport myself there. I wonder, was it protective nature or early wisdom. Do we have imagination to make the world feel a little less lonely and harsh? Or maybe we have imagination because we are the people who are supposed to create a more magical world? Maybe we see it so others can believe a better world exist for them too?

Either way, I like my wonderland.

~Alisa Hutton