Loneliness

It is that cool breeze that seems to chill sadness through your bones. The quiet knowing glance of emptiness as you watch the snow fall in the night. Mirroring a raw soundlessness reminding you that you are all alone. Moments of beauty that scratch at your soul, the wish to share them but only echoes roll. It is building a beautiful life for two and the melancholy realization you are the only one who will ever come home.  It is thoughtful days that pass by minute on queue and the humble awareness that your day timer may be the only memories of you. It is the empty spaces that you so longingly wish you could fill. You are the silent screams of those unseen. The story of the invisible that never spoke a tale of you and me.  Your inner most fear, dying alone without care or notice. A gentle leaf that is returned to the Earth and never known.

-Loneliness

~Alisa Hutton

Beyond The Veil

beyond

There was a space today between my eyes and your soul

My heart wide open to the sadness that I know you must go

I, simply an observer now watching you dance between two worlds

One I know, the other your true home

You looked at me in your knowing way and told me it was time for you to leave

Joking as we always do, I told you I was going to toss you over my shoulder and we’d make a run for the bar down the road

In that moment time stood still and we laughed like we would any other day

A small treasure of sweetness as I watch you slip away

You closed your eyes, quietly drifting off again to that other place

Smiling, you let out that giggle of yours, your body relaxed in to a warm peace

I knew in that moment such generous love is waiting for you on the other side

When you accept the invitation

I trust you will decide

Holding your hand just one last time

We shared words of love and honored it with grace as we said our final goodbye

Please, take my love and rest your heart as you walk towards your angels in the sky

~Alisa Hutton

Not Much

Not Much

She died inside

She didn’t feel a lot

Just a little more

She wasn’t sure how many times one could feel like this before “this” just was

Continually showing up for promptly closing doors

Only a child, she thought there was so much more

When do others see in her eyes what she can see in theirs?

At what point do they know that this one needs a little extra care?

Timing is everything

Unfortunately for her she has never worn a watch

When you ask her what she wishes for in life

She always smiles and says not much

Isn’t that irony of it all?

Exactly what she wished for

Is exactly what she got

~ Alisa Hutton

Nothing More

Nothing More

There is no practicality

I laid beside a stranger who was wheezing her last breath

Two things were not as we expected

My life

Her death

Side by side and equally alone

Curiously, our shared space perhaps was meant to be

I spoke with a woman who had but a few weeks to live

It was not planned or marked on her calendar

Curiously, she spoke with a calm confidence that this was her given time

She said honey trust me you just know

A man now bed ridden, his strength slipping away and out of his control

His strapping youth and forever quick mind he seemingly left at home

He hadn’t packed his favorite things for his stay at the hospital as he never planned to go

Curiously, when I told him I would see him soon he smiled with a simple knowing

No my dear, this is it for me and after this visit you probably won’t

I watched a little boy as color drained from his face, knocking loudly on heaven’s door

This isn’t how I see him, he plays and laughs, giggles and smiles

Get your hands off his little body, this, what is happening

None of it is what I ordered

Please, whoever you are that reaps in your dark and sudden ways

Take me and do what you will and let that little boy go

Through a tiny window

In a moment of life

I saw raw human souls

Horrific things, death and sickness that have forever shaken me to my core

I didn’t know what to do, I dropped to my knees

I held the hands of those entering deaths door

My heart was soothed, my eyes opened and my human fabric will forever know

This life

Our hearts

Those things that our egos think matter and we should know

Nonsense

There is no practicality

I sat on the fence of life and death watching souls come and go

There is only one thing you need to have as you walk through life on your way to deaths door

Love

Simply that, nothing less and nothing more

~Alisa Hutton

Ms. J. Doe

Jane Doe

Today I looked in the eyes of a woman I did not know

Laying quietly across from one another in a hospital corridor

Twice my age, quietly breathing the end of her story

I looked in her eyes and they seemed to mirror my own

I saw fear, sadness and loneliness in my reflection

Hers, the same deep brown as mine and tilted in similar bend

Yet, they were somewhere else

A place I didn’t know, a place that made me uncomfortable

As we laid quietly in our separate but shared space, I thought is this what it is all about?

Do we eventually end up in a corridor alone?

No comfort of love, no familiarity of a life known or lived?

No hand holding ours, no last I love you?

Does our story end with a stranger in a hall, the only comfort our own?

I couldn’t help but feel my life had been deeply scratched for a reason unknown

Something of this was meant to echo

Was it meant to reverberate a space?

Is it meant for me to open or close?

I really don’t know

I hope she could feel that I saw her life beside me and I felt her soul

I have to believe in the end

It is about something more

Than being alone in a corridor

­~Alisa Hutton