Ordinary

dog

I wonder if we are all just living our eulogy

Tales we tell of love and warmth, purpose and valor

Personality spikes sprinkled with dramatic deplore

Is there such a difference between dog and man beyond the years we roam

Egoist form, primped faces wearing tailored clothes

I tripped on humility today

Landing on realities declaration

Extraordinary we are

Only in the moment we are born

~ Alisa Hutton

The Flowers Death

fl

Edges curling in, weathered

A depressed muted brown bleeds where vibrancy once thrived

The color of apathy and lost purpose

Quietly spoken, perhaps purpose and possibility were never found

Not all flowers die beautifully

Spirit can fold in, cold and fetal without a sound

Air becomes gnarled, sharply chewing decay in hope

The flowers death

A silent and vulgar unbecoming

Mirroring a life I know

~Alisa Hutton

 

 

A Little More

Dead Mesquite Tree - Mesquite Dunes - Death Valley, CA - Infrared Black & White

Life’s misconception

Death creeps in to our soul taking hold in the shadows of our night, darkness

A thirsty and unannounced fog that rolls over us in toxic devour, swallowed

Such delusion.

Death is;

Silently announced at birth with our arrival

We all know yet none of us dare utter “welcome child, live well, die better”

Good form of the socially polished adorn birth with silver and plaster smiles

Never to speak of such discomforts such as limited time

After all if we speak of death we may invite it closer

Lean in. Listen. Hear. Shout. Understand.

You will depart

Death is the last name we all share

Welcome my brothers and sisters

Death is the commonality of our family tree

Death is not a secret or a toxin of devout proportions, nor kept in the shadows of our night

It does not search out in thirst or darkness, mine or yours

Death is a gift of knowing that we all seem to ignore

Simply telling us

Live well and love a little more

~Alisa Hutton

 

Beyond The Veil

beyond

There was a space today between my eyes and your soul

My heart wide open to the sadness that I know you must go

I, simply an observer now watching you dance between two worlds

One I know, the other your true home

You looked at me in your knowing way and told me it was time for you to leave

Joking as we always do, I told you I was going to toss you over my shoulder and we’d make a run for the bar down the road

In that moment time stood still and we laughed like we would any other day

A small treasure of sweetness as I watch you slip away

You closed your eyes, quietly drifting off again to that other place

Smiling, you let out that giggle of yours, your body relaxed in to a warm peace

I knew in that moment such generous love is waiting for you on the other side

When you accept the invitation

I trust you will decide

Holding your hand just one last time

We shared words of love and honored it with grace as we said our final goodbye

Please, take my love and rest your heart as you walk towards your angels in the sky

~Alisa Hutton

Bottom

bottom2

The swallow of darkness

Grotesquely gorging on your good spirit like a rabid animal

Spitting out your zest for life effortlessly like that tooth you chipped when you were seven

You remember when you were seven, right?

That was when you learned how to tread water

It went something like this, keep moving, hurry up or you will sink to the bottom

So you learned to tread water

Don’t confuse it with floating, you learned that when you were around ten

I believe they yelled at you to lay on your back, relax and breathe or else you will sink to the bottom

So you learned to float

Sink or swim, do or die, don’t ask, just do

That is how is was

That is how it is

I remember that day when you did actually sink to the bottom, looking up through the clear waters at all the people who didn’t notice

Just a little person who was left alone but it came with such clarity

There was something peaceful about it, oddly assuring finally knowing how alone you were

Quiet and serene, finally something so calm and safe

You didn’t feel the panic of treading water or floating any longer

A funny little moment in time where it all stood still

Just you looking up from the bottom

As the swallow of darkness arrives, gorging as it does

Just like that day you sank and how you didn’t see it coming

You are reminded of those who didn’t notice you at the bottom, who never saw you sink

Maybe they never really cared if you did?

The same ones who gave ill advice on how to tread water and float

Funny

As all you ever really needed to know was that you were the only one who could feel what it was like to sit at the bottom

And

It is only you

Who gracefully knew how to rise back up to the top

~Alisa Hutton

Not Much

Not Much

She died inside

She didn’t feel a lot

Just a little more

She wasn’t sure how many times one could feel like this before “this” just was

Continually showing up for promptly closing doors

Only a child, she thought there was so much more

When do others see in her eyes what she can see in theirs?

At what point do they know that this one needs a little extra care?

Timing is everything

Unfortunately for her she has never worn a watch

When you ask her what she wishes for in life

She always smiles and says not much

Isn’t that irony of it all?

Exactly what she wished for

Is exactly what she got

~ Alisa Hutton

Nothing More

Nothing More

There is no practicality

I laid beside a stranger who was wheezing her last breath

Two things were not as we expected

My life

Her death

Side by side and equally alone

Curiously, our shared space perhaps was meant to be

I spoke with a woman who had but a few weeks to live

It was not planned or marked on her calendar

Curiously, she spoke with a calm confidence that this was her given time

She said honey trust me you just know

A man now bed ridden, his strength slipping away and out of his control

His strapping youth and forever quick mind he seemingly left at home

He hadn’t packed his favorite things for his stay at the hospital as he never planned to go

Curiously, when I told him I would see him soon he smiled with a simple knowing

No my dear, this is it for me and after this visit you probably won’t

I watched a little boy as color drained from his face, knocking loudly on heaven’s door

This isn’t how I see him, he plays and laughs, giggles and smiles

Get your hands off his little body, this, what is happening

None of it is what I ordered

Please, whoever you are that reaps in your dark and sudden ways

Take me and do what you will and let that little boy go

Through a tiny window

In a moment of life

I saw raw human souls

Horrific things, death and sickness that have forever shaken me to my core

I didn’t know what to do, I dropped to my knees

I held the hands of those entering deaths door

My heart was soothed, my eyes opened and my human fabric will forever know

This life

Our hearts

Those things that our egos think matter and we should know

Nonsense

There is no practicality

I sat on the fence of life and death watching souls come and go

There is only one thing you need to have as you walk through life on your way to deaths door

Love

Simply that, nothing less and nothing more

~Alisa Hutton

Ms. J. Doe

Jane Doe

Today I looked in the eyes of a woman I did not know

Laying quietly across from one another in a hospital corridor

Twice my age, quietly breathing the end of her story

I looked in her eyes and they seemed to mirror my own

I saw fear, sadness and loneliness in my reflection

Hers, the same deep brown as mine and tilted in similar bend

Yet, they were somewhere else

A place I didn’t know, a place that made me uncomfortable

As we laid quietly in our separate but shared space, I thought is this what it is all about?

Do we eventually end up in a corridor alone?

No comfort of love, no familiarity of a life known or lived?

No hand holding ours, no last I love you?

Does our story end with a stranger in a hall, the only comfort our own?

I couldn’t help but feel my life had been deeply scratched for a reason unknown

Something of this was meant to echo

Was it meant to reverberate a space?

Is it meant for me to open or close?

I really don’t know

I hope she could feel that I saw her life beside me and I felt her soul

I have to believe in the end

It is about something more

Than being alone in a corridor

­~Alisa Hutton

One Day Away

one day

One day away

One day away from uttering goodbye friend, how are you left at a quiet table for one

One day away from holding love, flickering lights of indecision eventually turn off to certain end

One day away from a last smile, patience and finality can’t share a bed

One day away from hearing a laugh once more, enjoy it while you can its heart beat can’t allow any more

One day away from locking on excitable eyes, once they close they aren’t yours to see

One day away from feeling that way you always do, only your grieving left to keep you warm

One day away from a long safe hug, breathe it in, lingering scent will be the only thing you can bring home

If only people knew

Option and choice walk a very different path

Moments come once

Love is not often

If only  people knew

Loss is always

Just

One day away

~Alisa Hutton

Tsunami

tsunami.jpg

Sadness

Deep sadness

It is as though you are standing on the shore watching a wall of water come in

No matter what direction you look or how far you tilt your head back

Just a wall of powerful water, a Tsunami

You feel small

You are small

You wonder will it knock you over or leave you unconscious

Where it will take you, will you know your way?

Will you even survive? Do you even want to?

Will anyone notice you were swallowed up by the ocean?

Grief

Spirit sucking grief

It as though in a moment of sunshine someone dives in to your chest violently grabbing your heart

You don’t expect it, you never do

It comes at 3 am and shakes you awake, running away with your breath

You try to catch it, gasping, choking

You can’t

The lights are turned on

Except your light

Your light is out

Total darkness

You wonder if anyone can see you if you can’t see yourself?

Walking around with your weighted vest, heavy

Nothing else

Just useless weight

Tears become quiet, unpredictable, constant

You hope maybe they wash it away, even a little

You just want some relief, less pain

The grief hurts

The sadness hurts

It all hurts in ways that words cannot express

Does anyone out there know

Can anyone tell me

How to not love?

~Alisa Hutton