Nothing More

Nothing More

There is no practicality

I laid beside a stranger who was wheezing her last breath

Two things were not as we expected

My life

Her death

Side by side and equally alone

Curiously, our shared space perhaps was meant to be

I spoke with a woman who had but a few weeks to live

It was not planned or marked on her calendar

Curiously, she spoke with a calm confidence that this was her given time

She said honey trust me you just know

A man now bed ridden, his strength slipping away and out of his control

His strapping youth and forever quick mind he seemingly left at home

He hadn’t packed his favorite things for his stay at the hospital as he never planned to go

Curiously, when I told him I would see him soon he smiled with a simple knowing

No my dear, this is it for me and after this visit you probably won’t

I watched a little boy as color drained from his face, knocking loudly on heaven’s door

This isn’t how I see him, he plays and laughs, giggles and smiles

Get your hands off his little body, this, what is happening

None of it is what I ordered

Please, whoever you are that reaps in your dark and sudden ways

Take me and do what you will and let that little boy go

Through a tiny window

In a moment of life

I saw raw human souls

Horrific things, death and sickness that have forever shaken me to my core

I didn’t know what to do, I dropped to my knees

I held the hands of those entering deaths door

My heart was soothed, my eyes opened and my human fabric will forever know

This life

Our hearts

Those things that our egos think matter and we should know

Nonsense

There is no practicality

I sat on the fence of life and death watching souls come and go

There is only one thing you need to have as you walk through life on your way to deaths door

Love

Simply that, nothing less and nothing more

~Alisa Hutton

Glass Jar

Glass Jar

I put you in a glass jar tucking you away on my deepest shelf

My reason?

Curiously, to keep me safe and my best memories warm

I peered in every so often to check and see if you were still present and well adored

A dangerous balance

Close and an arm’s length away

The jar gave me what I needed

Reflective of what life had taught me at the time

Space and a soundless reminder of who I am

Values that reside steady and strong as much as they will long

What I didn’t understand

The jar that kept you deep inside my heart

What I didn’t quite see

Was that I simply needed

To set you free

~Alisa Hutton

Purely Showing

finally known.jpg

There is no mistaking her

She stands poised in a room

Not a plot of land she is interested in buying but could easily own

Taught well, bred better, manicured in good form

Step out of your manners and try to interrupt her wake

You will not be graced with rippling her deep waters

More likely left with a placid polite smile

Two dances she knows well, that of the ignorant and equally, those who are socially formed

She is not the shoes she was told to wear or a princess that lost her glass slipper rushing to get home

Long ago before they told her who she was, she felt she was something more

Her curious warm smile

Seemingly allows space and time to float on its own

A beautiful opening, an almost suspension of the surround

A drag in your consciousness reminding you of home

Gracing herself social pause from all she wished she didn’t know

Her eyes drift quietly in a room full of laughter and roar

Pay attention, for it is during this time

Who she is will be felt deeply in your soul

If you watch with tender sight and gentle ease

Her eyes will speak, no words will be needed

Only a comfortable knowing

In just a glance, a passing moment

Her heart

Purely showing

~Alisa Hutton

He Is

Painted Boat

As a child when the world felt impossible to understand

There he always was

Not one for unnecessary speak but how he loved to tell his good stories

The reason for their start never quite clear but the ending always delivered with loving, insightful touch

Smiling in that knowing way as he does, eyes squinted in the corners

His laugh lines always saying so much

My curiosity as a child, he always seemed to pause so comfortably in the middle of any conversation

Giving every person he engaged deserved thought

At ease with his own mind and soul

Telling our little ears to learn about the ocean tides, when and how they flow

Know when not to be scared but when you feel trouble, work hard for things you love, learn as much as you can, be your own person and no matter what always keep your values in hand

With the most difficult of questions in life there was never any rush

When you asked him in urgency, trying to navigate the heart and its sometimes misdirected ways

His answer was to measure you up with a fishing rod and take you out on the ocean for the day

Silently rocking back and forth in a boat while listening to the lapping waves

He never gave you an answer but you always found your way

He let you be and gave you space, smiling when he was proud

Disappointment wasn’t very often and never harsh or loud

As years went on I came to understand the reason he never directed us or handed us answers in response

He knew the gifts of love and safety, showing us how and where to find our peace

He taught us the answers we seek are always in the calm and quiet

He is my Uncle

I am his forever grateful niece

~Alisa Hutton

Ms. J. Doe

Jane Doe

Today I looked in the eyes of a woman I did not know

Laying quietly across from one another in a hospital corridor

Twice my age, quietly breathing the end of her story

I looked in her eyes and they seemed to mirror my own

I saw fear, sadness and loneliness in my reflection

Hers, the same deep brown as mine and tilted in similar bend

Yet, they were somewhere else

A place I didn’t know, a place that made me uncomfortable

As we laid quietly in our separate but shared space, I thought is this what it is all about?

Do we eventually end up in a corridor alone?

No comfort of love, no familiarity of a life known or lived?

No hand holding ours, no last I love you?

Does our story end with a stranger in a hall, the only comfort our own?

I couldn’t help but feel my life had been deeply scratched for a reason unknown

Something of this was meant to echo

Was it meant to reverberate a space?

Is it meant for me to open or close?

I really don’t know

I hope she could feel that I saw her life beside me and I felt her soul

I have to believe in the end

It is about something more

Than being alone in a corridor

­~Alisa Hutton

Solitude

solitude

In our solitude, incredible uninhabited space

That voice that speaks

The only one

We need to listen

Our heart is knowing and has beautiful intuition

Vulnerable chambers will crack open in breathtaking pain

Given fresh perspective, offers of chance to nurture and heal

Echoes of regret and hardship poke at our most vulnerable fears

The choice to show up or run far away

Equally near

Surrounded by those who live by telling us how we should behave

They speak of who we should love and how we should feel

I know only this

Clarity is found deep in me, you and what is real

It may feel uncomfortable, lonely and press on a nerve

Solitude will whisper

The love we deserve

~Alisa Hutton

Walk

Walk

I asked to hold your hand and go for a walk

The only gifts I can offer

Time and a genuine heart

A hope I had

To share some space and feel your thoughts

Good intentions, a warm drink and a few cautious steps together in our dark

Hesitancy and indecision seemed to be the only things filling the cup

Showing up, a choice made by two

Not showing up, the choice made for me and you

Standing alone there becomes but only one option

My time and genuine heart keeping warm in my soul

I take the same cautious steps, as me, as one

Gently walking with an offered extension

Simplicity, wanting to know you over time

Taking a short walk together, holding hands in a park

A moment becomes lost

Option and choice merge as one meeting at now or never

The invitation

Quietly kept in my forever

~Alisa Hutton

One Day Away

one day

One day away

One day away from uttering goodbye friend, how are you left at a quiet table for one

One day away from holding love, flickering lights of indecision eventually turn off to certain end

One day away from a last smile, patience and finality can’t share a bed

One day away from hearing a laugh once more, enjoy it while you can its heart beat can’t allow any more

One day away from locking on excitable eyes, once they close they aren’t yours to see

One day away from feeling that way you always do, only your grieving left to keep you warm

One day away from a long safe hug, breathe it in, lingering scent will be the only thing you can bring home

If only people knew

Option and choice walk a very different path

Moments come once

Love is not often

If only  people knew

Loss is always

Just

One day away

~Alisa Hutton

I Am

Girl

I was not born to be polite and adapt my being to meet your level of conformity

I was not born to grow my hair, paint my face and shape my body to fit your ideals of beauty

I was not born to speak in a quiet, regulated tone and only utter careful words to fit the walls of your voice

I was not born to gingerly harness my thoughts and curiosity to dance to the structure of your ideas alone

I was not born to walk cautiously or run in fear because your legs are more important than mine

 

I was born kind, strong, fragile and authentic and of so much more

I have no walls or box to fit in to

I fly high above without barriers and on my own

I was born beautiful, look in my eyes and drink my smile if it is me you truly want to know

Age, society and magazine covers define nothing and frame antiquated ideas of long ago

I was born with raging intellect and a thirst to feel, learn and grow

I do not hold hands with those who can see nothing more

You are not welcome to come for dinner, my table is set for those of substance

My food is for us alone

I was born to dance, run and move my soul as it is free

I have no need to puppet myself because I am standing on your perceived floor

 

I am me

I am a woman

Don’t let your preconceived notions of that hit your ass on the way out the door

 

~Alisa Hutton

 

Dear Woman

dear woman

Dear woman,

It has been too long and we need to talk. I know you felt like things were a big mess and it was your fault but you know what, it is OK. I know you felt like your world was falling apart. I guess in a lot of ways it did fall apart but maybe it was actually falling together? I know you wanted to shrink away and hide from it all. You felt ashamed, sad and lost. You went to that place that none of us ever talk about. That place that is scary to admit. You felt like you wanted to die, just close your eyes and have it be over. I know what it is like to feel so much darkness and hurt that you lose the light, your faith and hope. It is OK you don’t have to say it out loud, not right now. I know how scared and sad you were, I saw it in your eyes. I want you to know you are not horrible or bad for feeling this, I have felt it too. We both feel, we were built to.

Woman, you have lived a long time and you have experienced a lot of life. You were raised in a world that taught you to be tough, focused and polite and to keep pushing through it all. I want you to know that when I look at you and you are feeling broken the only thing I see is beautiful and real. Your incredible heart and mind are what I see. When I say you are beautiful it has absolutely nothing to do with your exterior. I want you to know that I understand things are hard sometimes and sometimes we fall apart at the seams. I watched it all build up in you as you took on more and more. I listened as people commended you on your strength with the increasing burdens of your life. I looked at the spirit drain out of your face and your loud unspoken words that said, I don’t know that I can do this any longer. I watched as you put a smile on your face and said to people around you I am fine thanks. Even when you wanted to collapse and cry and beg for help.

I am sorry I stood back knowing, seeing and feeling this. I am sorry I was polite and didn’t hold your hand and show you I love you. I see now you needed my love. You didn’t need advice or judgement or anything else, you just needed love. I know when it all felt broken, when you felt broken, it changed your life. I know you came undone and you felt embarrassed. As your friend and someone who loves you I think the universe gave you a gift. I think your seams coming undone was the beginning of the world about to see who you really are. I think you were meant to break that outer coating so the real you could emerge. I want you to know, I see you now. You are magnificent. I am your friend, I will love you fiercely and without apology from this day forward. We are going to talk, share and feel openly and honestly. We are going to do this together because I see you and I love you.  Dear woman, I don’t ever want you to forget who you are, I never will.

Your friend,

Woman

~ Written by Alisa Hutton