Pan-dem-ic

park

pan·dem·ic

/panˈdemik/

adjective

  1. (of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world.

This was never meant to be a page to write about this thing called, “pandemic”. It was meant to be a place for poetry. Where thoughts and feelings flowed like warm water over delicate hands. It was meant to be a place to reflect summer love and the scent of honey suckle and all things fluffy and nice. It was my sacred space to be a writer of weirdo proportions.

Here I am. Here we are. COVID-19. Pandemic. There is nothing poetic about either of those words (or realities). Truthfully, today I hate both words. I don’t use that word very often, hate. As someone who writes words are important to me, so I don’t like to use the word hate. It is harsh, unforgiving and jagged. It hurts but I truly and with much sincerity hate COVID-19 and this god forsaken I don’t even know what to call it besides, pandemic.

It all seems like a bad fucking dream at this point, one that I can’t wake up from. I followed it from afar, discussed it with my friends over drinks after work, lightly talking about how scary it was. Total and absolute ignorance when I think back on it now. In my mind it was a long flight away, in another part of the world. I see now, I was apathetic to the reality of it. It was already knocking on the doorstep of almost every country in the world.

I have lost track of time. I know I started a new job on a Wednesday and by Friday my boss was discussing that we might have to work from home for a few weeks starting the coming Monday. That was I don’t know how many weeks ago. I do know every day has felt the same, progressively worse actually. I get up every morning and think “today, I am going to have a good day”. By dinner I have usually questioned if I can handle things and my ability to cope, have cried and usually become totally enraged by something. All extreme in feeling and nature and not who I am on a “normal” day. It is wearing. I toss between desperately searching for gratitude as I feel like an absolute douche bag if I don’t or I just want to call it like it is and be an absolute douche bag and drop f-bombs in the hope I will shake this god forsaken feeling of groundhog day out of my system.

I stopped watching the news, I have to, I can’t handle it anymore. My system is on overload. I am someone who knows how to deal with system overload, and I am not dealing with this well. This concerns me. I don’t feel like I am being a good employee, a good mother, a good friend, a good anything really. If humaning was a class I would 100% be failing right now. For Christ sake I can’t even seem to consistently take a shower and brush my teeth these days. I just wake up and think, why? I have lost all sense of purpose in my life. I hate it. I hate COVID-19 and this thing called “pandemic” can kiss my ass.

I wonder, maybe this is the gift in this bullshit (sorry for swearing so much, it makes me mildly feel better). Maybe, I am supposed to take this unbearable discomfort and do something with it, like feel it? Maybe I am supposed to question it? Maybe I am supposed to remind myself of all the things that I am missing so badly, what I wish I could do, the hands I want to hold, the people who I so desperately just want to sit in the same space with and squeeze their face because I love them and miss them. Maybe all of this is here to clarify what really matters in our hearts? Or maybe I am just losing my god damn mind. At this point, both feel equally possible.

I don’t know the answers. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason and the greatest gifts we often receive come during or after going through some of our most difficult times. Maybe I just think that because I need to in order to stay positive and move forward? I don’t know. I don’t understand why a whole world must go through this collectively? Maybe we all need to learn together? I don’t know. I write when I don’t understand because it is the only thing that slows my brain down. During times like this, to me it feels like everything is painfully slow but my thoughts and feelings are screaming, competing almost to sort things out and make sense of this total an utter bullshit (which I don’t understand!). I like calm and order in my world and I like to understand things, it makes me feel safe. Right now, none of what is going on makes me feel safe.

I know how shitty I felt today. How incredibly hard it was to muster up an ounce of gratitude for anything. How hard it was to talk myself in to “everything is going to be OK”. I didn’t’ smile once today, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t think “oh gee I am really looking forward to that”. That is a horrible feeling. So, I wrote to try and shake off this shit thing called “pandemic”. I figure someone out there is probably feeling shitty too and it makes me sad because I know it sucks. Sometimes knowing someone else feels just as shitty as you do helps.

I don’t understand all of this. I do know it doesn’t make me want to write poetry. Who knows maybe by the end of it all we will find something more beautiful than poetry because of it? I hope so.

Thanks for listening.

A.

Perfectly

tea

The dance between dusty thoughts and childlike giggles

Dark skies while sipping on my pain

Simplicity is savored in a porcelain tea cup, it’s a Bergamot kind of day

Paralyzing grief served on Friday’s plate

Numbed by uninhibited dancing on Saturday with a random fake

The day will dawn

The night will darken

Who I am in this moment

With just one sentence

Is perfectly forgotten

By Alisa Hutton

Untouchable

Untitled design (35)

Peeling glances, thick with the deep churn of her buried unspoken

The sharp will notice, the simple will be her safety but so easily forgotten 

She will tell you ,her words must be followed

You should nod your head and always listen but take note of her eyes, for that is the path she hasn’t spoken

She will beautifully float with the most feminine poise and grace 

Then seemingly without notice she will leave you covered with ice in her politely distant way

She is full of dimension and rivers that run deep to places we would all be so fortunate to see

Almost untouchable, she will inevitably make you travel the long road to her tender heart

The greatest fortune of your life?

She only falls in love with the uniquely attentive and charmingly sharp

Don’t kid yourself, it is only by her choosing and when her time is right

By Alisa Hutton

Tell Me

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When did scarcity roll over you, wilting you timid and fearful?

What darkened childhood tale shadowed your lightness and spirit, giving away your bold?

Who changed you so short that your worth became socially outsourced to the new and unknown?

When the sun rises it reminds us with furious beauty that moments are spectacular. Well thought plans, penned goals and shiny thoughts trivial pursuits of those who will never grow.

The rain that drenched you with indignation, coming unannounced on a summer day? The universes way of tapping you awake to all you never will control.

What happened between the first moments your eyes opened to the universe to where you stand today? Unable to muster the courage to stutter the words your heart desires, I miss you, I love you, please don’t go.

Our heart and our soul intuitively tells us when we are home.

An unspoken settled place is our being, a warmth, a person who undoubtedly many lifetimes we have known.

Tell me, when did scarcity roll over you?

Leaving you all alone.

~Alisa Hutton

Scent

newmoon

The lingering embers of sweet grass on cold October nights

Dew on the morning honeysuckle that warmly wrapped us in July

Star-dust trailing across a seemingly never-ending August sky

September rains, the forest and full moon tide

Tiny breathes in December as snowfall blankets outside

Opening blooms and light announcing May has arrived

Sipping a warm latte while bundled on the beach, moments in April’s time

Laughter and glances, Shiraz, the scent of March for you and I

You asked what your scent was

It is the softness and perfection of taste, memory and time

~Alisa Hutton

Inconsequential

pressed

Sprinkled thoughts and sleepless nights

Tossing dreams that roll with words unkind

Hearts and hopes furiously left undone, once escaped, forever gone

Such curiously fragile those pressed memories we carry in our minds

What was real and what was not?

Inconsequential stories of the breath of love and when it is lost

~Alisa Hutton

Ordinary

dog

I wonder if we are all just living our eulogy

Tales we tell of love and warmth, purpose and valor

Personality spikes sprinkled with dramatic deplore

Is there such a difference between dog and man beyond the years we roam

Egoist form, primped faces wearing tailored clothes

I tripped on humility today

Landing on realities declaration

Extraordinary we are

Only in the moment we are born

~ Alisa Hutton

Love Held

love held

Delivered in gesture

Kind words wrapped in poetic dance

The melt in your single glance

How your genuine smile brightens my way

Laughter and timelessness, the romanticism of our simple summer day

A soft touch when my heart called for nurture and care

Pressed memories of love between pages that never go away

Eyes that see magic, captured moments and all the precious details of life

An extended hand lifting me up the times I needed it the most

The judge of none, the ask of neither, the lover of one

A chosen soul that captured what is my purest form and honors it with continued dignity and grace

In my heart, forever

A love held for you in a special place

~Alisa Hutton